Went to the gym today for my usual circuit session. Our tasty trainer Iain decided to take us into the gym instead - not a problem really, have been getting fitter for a while so how bad could it be? I was doing ok I think until he decided to get us to lift ourselves above a bar - you know the chin up things that body builders do? These are not the things that fat housewives like myself do!

Anyway to help my lift my hefty jelly bellied weight he threw a big rubber strap over the bar - sounds exciting to a certain sort I know - but I digress. He then watched me struggle to even reach the bar so in his gentlemanly fashion he got me a step - FFS nobody else needed it and I am not that short - he pointed out that I must have short arms - Fucking great, Mr Good looking trainer thinks I am one step up from a victim of thalidomide!! Anyway he then stretches the band so I can hook my foot into it and lets go. It should be like a reverse bungee and help you up towards the bar. In my case I am so bloody heavy it just had me swinging like a useless sack. Then to make matters even worse, he realises there is no fucking way I am getting even close to that bar so he grabs me round the very round waist and propels me upwards - now girls the last time a good looking fella that was over 20 years my junior had his face that close to my arse was - well, NEVER.

I couldn't concentrate at all. All my effort was being used in squeezing my minge muscles as tight as I could so that not a dribble of wee came out.